For many years, I solved this problem with a cleaning lady. But then Tammy left for a full time job last year, and after a couple of disasterous experiences with new cleaning services - including one that declined to a)make beds b) load dishes or c)empty trash containers unless they were overflowing, I opted to start cleaning my own house.
This was met with some skepticism by family and friends, mostly because they had never actually seen me in the company of a mop. But I soon latched onto Speed Cleaning, a clever book by San Franciso resident Jeff Campbell, who once ran his own highly successful cleaning business. If you follow the Speed Cleaning rules (clean from top to bottom, carry your tools with you, etc.) you can polish off a bathroom in eleven minutes flat. After a few weeks of practice, it got so I could clean my three bedroom, two bath house in just under two and a half hours.
The problem, though, was that I still loathed it and took to dreading Saturday afternoons, the time I'd set aside to do weekly cleaning. I began dreading Saturday on Wednesday night. After awhile I began dreading Saturdays on Saturdays, right after I'd finished cleaning for the week.
My big revelation came to me on a Saturday afternoon around the holidays when there was plenty of champagne in the house. Have a Mimosa while I clean! I could tackle the chores the same way I braved dental work, with a little mind altering substance. A sort of liquid Nitrous Oxide in a champagne flute to dull the pain.
It worked. And it's been working ever since!
I also want to note that today, February 22, is National Margarita Celebration Day. I am not making that up. My editor at the Detroit Free Press told me this, and she would never lie about such things.( I suspect she is something of a Margarita expert. I'm just saying.) So in celebration of this national holiday, and for all the women dreading Saturdays, I offer up The Drinking Woman's Guide to Housekeeping.
1)Be somewhat particular about your choice of cocktail in designing your Drink And Clean Regimen. After much study and experimentation, I've found that Mimosas work well, although a Bloody Mary may be called for, particularly if you've got some extra grunge to tackle - for instance, if your inlaws have been visiting for a week. These drinks tend to be light and easy to make since almost everybody has the ingredients on hand. Avoid getting too fancy - you start messing around with Manhattans and White Russians and you'll inevitably end up having to trot off to the store for some obscure ingredient like Grenadine or Creme de Cacoa, and this will throw off your entire cleaning schedule. On the flip side, a can of beer doesn't quite have the panache you're after either. It lacks that element of pampering. Slugging down a can of Coors Light, while loading up the dishwasher, will make you look like Roseanne, in one of her 1980s re-runs. And it's always best to avoid Grown-Up, Smoking Room Cocktails, like Martinis or Scotch on the Rocks. They pack too much of a wallop and are unsuitable for mid-day tippling. You start drinking gin Martinis at two in the afternoon, you're NEVER going to get that bathroom floor clean, although you might end up napping on it.
2)Start your cleaning session by contemplating cleaning. You want to make this experience as cerebral as possible. While contemplating, mix one part orange juice and one part champagne in a frosted fluted glass. While sipping and contemplating, open up your laptop and scan the New York Times online to give yourself something to think about as you slog through the drudgery.
3)After you've finished reading the Times (and have succeeded in forgoing the crossword puzzle because you are a person of discipline and there are chores to be done) pour what's left of your Mimosa in a coffee cup, and freshen it up with more champagne. The coffee cup will provide adequate cover should a neighbor stop by and it's less likely than a flute to topple over as you move from room to room.
4)Gather up your cleaning supplies. Place your cell phone in your cleaning apron with the hope a friend or your mother will call to chat. It is impossible to clean, drink and chat at the same time. Chatting and drinking are to be prioritized. I like to think of this as a modified version of "mindfulness"- the Buddists' concept of living in the moment - only with booze.
5)Start in the highest part of the house, in my case, the second floor, and working with gravity, clean top to bottom, left to right, using your feather duster, and when necessary, your whisk broom. Keep your "coffee" cup on a high window sill or shelf to avoid getting dust and debris in your, um, Folgers.
6)After you've dusted and scrubbed, get started on the floors. Before you do, though, return to the kitchen, since you'll need another Mimosa, or in the alternative, a Bloody Mary (see reference above to excessive grunge). Vacuuming and mopping can work up a hell of a thirst and you'll want something close at hand. This is also a good time to break and call somebody to bitch about having to do housework (see reference to Mindfulness in Step 3). If you can't get anybody on the phone, write something pithy on your Facebook, preferably something designed to garner sympathy in light of your endless chores, then log on to the Huffington Post. Read thoroughly, since you will have already used up all of your New York Times material while scrubbing and dusting and will need something new to think about.
7)Back to work, only now with Arianna's take on the Greek Economic Crisis to get you through the next hour. Contrary to most efficiency experts, it is entirely possible to drink and vacuum at the same time, although it requires practice, concentration and the right kind of vacuum cleaner. Canisters are tricky, since you need both hands to vacuum and tug the canister along. An upright works better. You can glide the vacuum with one hand and hold your drink with the other. Mopping, however, requires that you put your drink down at least part of the time, at least when it comes to wringing.
8)There! Now your house is clean! Celebrate. Refresh your drink. You are pleasantly relaxed and ready for a nap. Or if you're so inclined, a pedicure.
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| In the hours after a session of Speed Cleaning With Mimosas, a few moments for a pedicure. Here are my two favorite Cleanin' and Cocktailin' recipes. Please send me yours in the comment section. Lori's Mostly Magnificent Mimosas As I said, keep it simple. One part champagne. Don't use expensive wines. The orange juice is the dominant flavor so anything fancy is wasting money. Cooks Champagne puts out a perfectly decent extra dry champagne for about seven bucks a bottle.Then add one part orange juice. If you want to splurge - and you should, for heavens sake, you're cleaning house - then go for the fresh squeezed. If you want an extra special Mimosa, make it a Morning Glory Mimosa, with a shot of Pineapple vodka. I know. Pineapple vodka gives one pause for concern, but the orange juice takes care of business and reins it in. Mother's Bloody Mary Frankly, I don't think you can go wrong with Mr. T's Spicy Bloody Mary Mix and a shot of Absolute. In a pinch, spice up tomato juice, or even V8 with a dash of hot sauce, worchestire sauce, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Stir with a celery stick, although some folks like green olives on a toothpick. No accounting for taste. |
Brilliant, Lori! Will have to see if it works this weekend. I wonder, will it still work if I spend a little more on French sparkling wine? Oh, and if I leave out the orange juice? ;-)
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