A Drinking Woman's Guide to Housekeeping

Like many women who have full time careers, and even some who don't, I hate to clean house. The way I look at it, I spend all day covering crime for the Detroit Free Press, so it seems like a crime for me to then have to come home and mop the kitchen floor. But I also detest a dirty house. So you see the obvious and inevitable quandry here.

For many years, I solved this problem with a cleaning lady. But then Tammy left for a full time job last year, and after a couple of disasterous experiences with new cleaning services - including one that declined to a)make beds b) load dishes or c)empty trash containers unless they were overflowing, I opted to start cleaning my own house.

This was met with some skepticism by family and friends, mostly because they had never actually seen me in the company of a mop.  But I soon latched onto Speed Cleaning, a clever book by San Franciso resident Jeff Campbell, who once ran his own highly successful cleaning business. If you follow the Speed Cleaning rules (clean from top to bottom, carry your tools with you, etc.) you can polish off a bathroom in eleven minutes flat. After a few weeks of practice, it got so I could clean my three bedroom, two bath house in just under two and a half hours.

The problem, though, was that I still loathed it and took to dreading Saturday afternoons, the time I'd set aside to do weekly cleaning. I began dreading Saturday on Wednesday night. After awhile I began dreading Saturdays on Saturdays, right after I'd finished cleaning for the week.

My big revelation came to me on a Saturday afternoon around the holidays when there was plenty of champagne in the house.  Have a Mimosa while I clean! I could tackle the chores the same way I braved dental work, with a little mind altering substance. A sort of liquid Nitrous Oxide in a champagne flute to dull the pain.

It worked. And it's been working ever since!

I also want to note that today, February 22, is National Margarita Celebration Day. I am not making that up. My editor at the Detroit Free Press told me this, and she would never lie about such things.( I suspect she is something of a Margarita expert. I'm just saying.) So in celebration of this national holiday, and for all the women dreading Saturdays, I offer up The Drinking Woman's Guide to Housekeeping.

1)Be somewhat particular about your choice of cocktail in designing your Drink And Clean Regimen. After much study and experimentation, I've found that Mimosas work well, although a Bloody Mary may be called for, particularly if you've got some extra grunge to tackle - for instance, if your inlaws have been visiting for a week. These drinks tend to be light and easy to make since almost everybody has the ingredients on hand. Avoid getting too fancy - you start messing around with Manhattans and White Russians and you'll inevitably end up having to trot off to the store for some obscure ingredient like Grenadine or Creme de Cacoa, and this will throw off your entire cleaning schedule.  On the flip side, a can of beer doesn't quite have the panache you're after either. It lacks that element of pampering. Slugging down a can of Coors Light, while loading up the dishwasher, will make you look like Roseanne, in one of her 1980s re-runs. And it's always best to avoid Grown-Up, Smoking Room Cocktails, like Martinis or Scotch on the Rocks. They pack too much of a wallop and are unsuitable for mid-day tippling. You start drinking gin Martinis at two in the afternoon, you're NEVER going to get that bathroom floor clean, although you might end up napping on it.

2)Start your cleaning session by contemplating cleaning. You want to make this experience as cerebral as possible. While contemplating, mix one part orange juice and one part champagne in a frosted fluted glass. While sipping and contemplating, open up your laptop and scan the New York Times online to give yourself something to think about as you slog through the drudgery.

3)After you've finished reading the Times (and have succeeded in forgoing the crossword puzzle because you are a person of discipline and there are chores to be done) pour what's left of your Mimosa in a coffee cup, and freshen it up with more champagne. The coffee cup will provide adequate cover should a neighbor stop by and it's less likely than a flute to topple over as you move from room to room.

4)Gather up your cleaning supplies. Place your cell phone in your cleaning apron with the hope a friend or your mother will call to chat. It is impossible to clean, drink and chat at the same time. Chatting and drinking are to be prioritized. I like to think of this as a modified version of "mindfulness"- the Buddists' concept of living in the moment - only with booze.

5)Start in the highest part of the house, in my case, the second floor, and working with gravity, clean top to bottom, left to right, using your feather duster, and when necessary, your whisk broom. Keep your "coffee" cup on a high window sill or shelf to avoid getting dust and debris in your, um, Folgers.

6)After you've dusted and scrubbed, get started on the floors. Before you do, though, return to the kitchen, since you'll need another Mimosa, or in the alternative, a Bloody Mary (see reference above to excessive grunge). Vacuuming and mopping can work up a hell of a thirst and you'll want something close at hand. This is also a good time to break and call somebody to bitch about having to do housework (see reference to Mindfulness in Step 3). If you can't get anybody on the phone, write something pithy on your Facebook, preferably something designed to garner sympathy in light of your endless chores, then log on to the Huffington Post. Read thoroughly, since you will have already used up all of your New York Times material while scrubbing and dusting and will need something new to think about.

7)Back to work, only now with Arianna's take on the Greek Economic Crisis to get you through the next hour. Contrary to most efficiency experts, it is entirely possible to drink and vacuum at the same time, although it requires practice, concentration and the right kind of vacuum cleaner. Canisters are tricky, since you need both hands to vacuum and tug the canister along. An upright works better. You can glide the vacuum with one hand and hold your drink with the other. Mopping, however, requires that you put your drink down at least part of the time, at least when it comes to wringing.

8)There! Now your house is clean! Celebrate. Refresh your drink. You are pleasantly relaxed and ready for a nap. Or if you're so inclined, a pedicure.

In the hours after a session of Speed Cleaning With Mimosas, a few moments for a pedicure.


Here are my two favorite Cleanin' and Cocktailin' recipes. Please send me yours in the comment section.


Lori's Mostly Magnificent Mimosas

As I said, keep
 it simple.
One part champagne. Don't use expensive wines. The orange juice is the dominant flavor so anything fancy is wasting money. Cooks Champagne puts out a perfectly decent extra dry champagne for about seven bucks a bottle.Then add one part orange juice. If you want to splurge - and you should, for heavens sake, you're cleaning house - then go for the fresh squeezed. If you want an extra special Mimosa, make it a Morning Glory Mimosa, with a shot of Pineapple vodka. I know. Pineapple vodka gives one pause for concern, but the orange juice takes care of business and reins it in.

Mother's Bloody Mary
Frankly, I don't think you can go wrong with Mr. T's Spicy Bloody Mary Mix and a shot of Absolute. In a pinch, spice up tomato juice, or even V8 with a dash of hot sauce, worchestire sauce, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Stir with a celery stick, although some folks like green olives on a toothpick. No accounting for taste.

I Spy. You Spy. We All Spy. Is it a crime?

Meet Leon Walker. You'll like him. He's very pleasant, nice looking, well spoken and polite. Smart too. Landed himself a very successful job as a computer technician for Oakland County, the wealthy community north of Detroit, where a lot of the automotive and high tech money is. We call it Automation Alley. Leon, 34 single, and a resident of the tony suburb of Rochester Hills, fits right in.

If law enforcement has its way, though, Leon will soon be a convicted felon. His crime? He snooped in his wife's email. Yep. You read that right. Suspicious that his wife Clara was cheating, he used her password to log onto to her gmail account, and discovered that yes! She was cheating and not just cheating with anyone! Leon was Clara's third husband and he discovered she was cheating with her second husband, a man who had been arrested for beating her in front of a child she shared with her first husband.

If you need to grab a pen and paper just to chart this tawdry mess you may be excused for the moment.

Leon, upon discovering the tryst, immediately notified the first husband, worried about the child Clara and the first husband shared. And since Leon and Clara also shared a young daughter, Leon was also worried about that child as well. It appeared from Clara's email that both children had been exposed to the man Clara claimed had once been violent toward her. The first husband immediately filed for a change of custody and attached the purloined emails to his motion.

Clara, once she realized that her email had been accessed contacted the Oakland County Sheriff's Office. At first, investigators told her it was a civil matter. That was how they handled all such complaints in the past. But Clara, whose persistence is matched only perhaps by her ability to acquire, then discard husbands, continued to complain.

Eventually, the Oakland County Prosecutor's office charged Leon, who has no prior criminal record, with computer hacking, a five year felony. The Detroit Free Press covered the story. The outrage was immediate and worldwide, with thousands of people demanding that the case be dropped and plenty admitting that they too had been guilty of the very felony Leon was now facing.

What makes this case so interesting - above and beyond the deliciously awful facts - is that it is a case study of what happens when law can't keep up with technology. The hacking statute under which Leon Walker is charged was written more than two decades ago, and appears to be designed to prevent employees from walking off with trade secrets or to punish people who steal other people's identities. It is unlikely legislators were anticipating the ongoing reality show that is Clara and Leon. (They have since divorced.)

And snooping - particularly among warring spouses - is not at all uncommon. Just ask any divorce attorney. In fact some experts estimate about 45 percent of divorces involve some sort of clandestine behavior - reading emails, hacking Facebook accounts, opening snail mail, spying. So the Leon Walker case begs a bigger question. How nosey can you be in your marital home?

Leon's pugnascious and highly entertaining attorney, Leon Weiss - who appears to always be on the verge of a cerebral hemorrage over the treatment of his client - trotted the matter up to the Michigan Court of Appeals and at first it seemed he'd found a sympathetic ear, with the higher court issuing a stay, and the judges noting they had "serious concerns" about whether the statute applies to cases of domestic snooping.

But by the time Leon and Leon got before the three membert panel in December for oral arguments, those judges appeared to have a change of heart. Under the strictest reading of the law - you can't access another person's computer or computerized accounts without their permission - Leon's actions might very well be criminal, they said, ordering that the case proceed to trial. It is now set to go befoer a jury in March.

Oakland County prosecutor Jessica Cooper has been steadfast in defending her decision to charge Leon Walker, despite almost universal criticism. The fact that he'd discovered Clara back with a man she once said beat her is inconsequential, she told me in December. And she questioned whether the public reaction would be different if Walker had been snooping in email about Clara's bank accounts, or had been reading email exchanges she might have been having with her divorce attorney. Walker, Cooper says, is a computer hacker who should face the consequences.

So what will twelve of Leon Walker's peers decide when they hear the facts? And what will you do the next time your spouse - or even your kid - leaves a Gmail account open on the screen?

Better think twice.


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Going To The Dogs

Famous Amos pauses for a photo op

Last week, my buddy Amos stopped by the courthouse pressroom to pay me a visit.

Now, I'm accustomed to attorneys dropping in on occasion to speculate on the IQs of various sitting judges. And cops sometimes knock on my door to give me a scoop. Defendants - at least those not in custody - will often track me down in my third floor office to profess their innocence.

Amos came by to get his ears scratched.

Amos is a chunky chocolate lab, 70 pounds of wiggling, tail-wagging love and affection. Think of a luscious brownie - the kind that gives you comfort in your darkest hour, sweet and satisfying and nurturing. That's Amos, a confection with big brown eyes and a pink tongue that tends to lag to one side if he's been romping. There is an air of kindness about him. He'll put his head in your lap and gaze up at you as if to say, "Come on now. Everything's going to be okay. So how about a game of fetch to take your mind off your troubles?"

So it's not surprising that Amos is employed as a court therapy dog, the first in Michigan, and part of a growing national trend. He is particularly good with children who are faced with having to testify in court, and those who end up in the system because of neglect or abuse. A half hour of Amos Time and children are calmer and happier as they face what are often some of the most trying times in their young lives.

Amos once aspired to be a seeing eye dog, and was in training at the Leader Dogs for the Blind in Rochester, Michigan. But his natural exhuberance - he'd rather trot with his tail wagging then walk sedately next to his trainer, and he tends to pull on the leash - got him bounced out of Leader Dogs. The new therapy dog project, Canine Advocacy Program, or CAP, launched by Dan Cojanu, was just beginning and Amos seemed a perfect fit.

Cojanu spent years as the head of the Victims Advocacy unit in Oakland County's Circuit Court in Pontiac, Michigan, helping people in enormous pain, suffering from terrible loss, navigate the court system. It was tough, rewarding work. Now retired, Cojanu spotted a kindred spirit in Amos.

After several months of research and training, Amos was soon on the job, in and out of courtrooms, called to duty by judges and court personnel and social workers to help children who had been traumatized. He spent hours with young girls in Childrens Village, the county facility where abused children are often housed. He hung out with kids in district courts waiting to testify against adults who had harmed them. He socialized with court personnel, who are also often stressed by their workloads.

Since Amos made his 2008 debut, he has been followed by Dodger, a yellow lab working his magic in the Bay County Prosecutors office, and Rylan, a very elegant Doberman who is working with war veterans who end up in metro Detroit's Novi district court.

Dodger, working in Bay City to help traumatized kids.

It makes sense, when you think about it. Everything about a courthouse is cold and antispetic and intimidating. The walls are marble, the ceilings high, the light harsh, the benchs unyielding and stiff. People in a courtroom are often at their most vulnerable, but there is no soft spot to lay your head, no quiet cozy corner to rest your mind. There are rules - shut off your cell phones! No food. No talking! No hats! - and armed deputies to enforce those rules, plus all kinds of protocol nobody understands. "All rise!" the court clerk announces each time the judge enters the courtroom. Up and down. Up and down.

And the judges! Think about that! Perched up high and wearing black and peering down on the minions, like ancient crones from a scary nursery tale. Some aren't even old, but I'm guessing in a child's mind, scary nonethelss. More powerful than Oz. We understand why Dorothy and the Tin Man trembled. So it's no wonder kids clam up and can't talk.

Then along comes a furry friendly face. No judgment there. No questions to answer. No strange courtroom rules. Just a dog who likes you and seems to listen. Who will let you pet him. Who brings a few moments of normalcy into an otherwise insane world.


Cojanu tells a wonderful story about a little girl struggling to relay to the court the trauma she'd undergone. Because Cojanu is kind and ethical, he does not reveal much about the girl, or the hearbreak she has suffered. But he talks about the moment the girl turns to Amos, lifts his floppy ear, and reveals in a very loud whisper, all the information she needed to relay.

Amos, as was expected, was a sympathetic listener.